"Made From Real Rhinocerus, So You Know It's Good..."

Okay: Craig and I talked about these briefly on the air last week. He bought them as a joke, because they looked really absurd. Well, the other day, I was finally brave enough to eat the Snickers Charged he bought for me.

And I have to comment.

First of all, let's have a look at the wrapper. No doubt you've seen one at your local convenience store:
Observations:

• "Limited Edition" gets tossed around an awful lot in this world. People always assume it means something good. If you want to get technical, every crap you take is a Limited Edition...
• Is Taurine even a real thing? My nutitionist questions this. I think they found a word that makes us think Strong Like Bull and they're going with it.
• And then they put a Rhino on it. Now, I have in my life been really hungry from time to time. I'm not sure a Rhino on the front would have inspired me to tuck into a chocolate bar during those Hardly Eating Days with my first fiancee/roommate back in '91
• "B-Vitamins". Well, there's like a billion different B-Vitamins. I think air has B-Vitamins in it...
• And caffeine to combine with the chocolate, to really throw open all the stops on the human church organ and rattle the big pipe.

I was halfway through the bar, sitting in the parking lot of my kids' school...when I read the upside-down line above the Snickers logo:

It's blurry, so allow me to read: NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN, PREGNANT WOMEN OR PEOPLE SENSITIVE TO CAFFEINE.

There just aren't enough snack foods in this world that can jack up a kid beyond all recognition. Had this bar been out when I was a wee bairn I'd've put a whole through the wall flying my miniature Millennium Falcon around the house. It was military housing, cheap construction. This would have happened daily, because all of my pocket money would have been dropped at the Shoppette buying these damn things...

We salute you, Snickers, for bravely putting this product out there. By the way, it tasted like a snickers bar dipped in a brine of pickled socks and earwax.

(Somewhere, a snot-nosed little skater punk is reading this and composing a nasty response because the fat old dude from AOR is "bangin' on his bar..." He's sipping one of those Sobe things that look like suntan lotion and trying to think of something mean to say about Led Zeppelin.)