Winning Speech for Alice Cooper

From: Phil Badger

Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2007 4:24 PM
To: Tommie Lee
Subject: Urgent message from Cooper's Campaign Headquarters

From; Cooper’s Campaign Headquarters
To; WAOR 95.3
Priority; URGENT

The South Bend Address
Wednesday August 29, 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, Democrats and Republicans, Vegetarians, Meat Eaters and Scientologists! My fellow Americans!

I stand before you tonight, immorally and irreverently, to announce my candidacy as your next President of the United States of America!

My friends, the road to the White house is long and arduous, and not for the weak of mind or spirit. But I, Alice Cooper, am ready, willing, and unstable.

I'm your Yankee Doodle Dandy in a gold Rolls Royce…, I wanna be elected!

I can assure you, that as your candidate, I posses the fortitude to turn our grass roots effort into a movement.

I am the legendary Statesman of Outrage. You see before you a man that has weathered the wrath of Tipper Gore, and emerged unscathed!

I am the Ambassador of Cool,

I am a Dynasty, I’ve lasted longer than Disco!

I am a Muscle of Love!

Our opponents are watching. And I say to them, I am ready for the fight. I am taking of the gloves. The Alice Cooper Manifesto of Decadence will prevail, for it represents the highest level of sonic brutality! To my detractors, bring the attack. The ONLY indiscretion that I will acknowledge is my appearance in the movie Sgt. Pepper!

We're all gonna rock to the rules that I make…, I wanna be elected!

I say to you this! People, the times they are a changin’

We’re going to get back to good old-fashion American values.

As your leader, I will put a Headless Chicken in every pot…., just ask Pete Townsend or the residents of Toronto!!!

And if I’m elected, I promise to you the formation of a New Party…, a Third Party…, the Earwig Party.......it will be a wild party!

I know we have problems, we’ve got problems right here in South Bend. Everybody has problems.

We‘ve got international tension, domestic issues, global warming

And personally, I don’t care! I sing anthems of necrophilia, I Love the Dead!

And you may find yourself, wondering if this candidate has the qualifications to be the leader of the free world.

And you may ask yourself, why should I cast my vote for a man that calls himself Alice.

And you may tell yourself, my God!...... what have I done?

And you may tell yourself, we’re not worthy………….YOU’RE NOT!!!!

We’re gonna win this one, take the country by storm, We’re gonna be elected!

Those of you that know me well understand that there are many things that I do care about. I would like to share with you some words that were spoken over 40 years ago, in the city of Berlin, yet still ring true today.

(The following is a portion of the speech "Ich bin ein Berliner'” also known as “I am a jelly donut”).

“Freedom has many difficulties and democracy is not perfect. I want to say on behalf of my countrymen who (are serving) many miles away on the other side of the Atlantic, who are far distant from you, that they take the greatest pride (in preserving that freedom) even from a distance, and I know of no (country) that still lives with the vitality and the force, the hope and the determination that is the (United States of America)”.

“You live in a defended island of freedom, but your life is part of the main. So let me ask you, as I close, to lift your eyes beyond the dangers of today, to the hopes of tomorrow, beyond the freedom merely of this city of (South Bend), or of your country (America), to the advance of freedom everywhere, beyond (our shores), to the day of peace with justice, beyond yourselves and ourselves…… to all mankind”.

Mr. Gorbechev……., TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

Follow with the “Nixon” pose, the quick thrust of dual peace signs that only Dick could do in such an awkward way (In homage of ’72!).